The Review

Issue date: 2/19/08 Section: Mosaic

My wardrobe is currently missing approximately three pairs of mesh shorts, two T-shirts and at least one hoodie that I, at one time, called my favorite. I have not outgrown these clothes, nor did I lose them or throw them away. They are merely in the possession of girls, most of their names escape me at the moment, who at one time spent the night in my bed.

Sorry ladies, but just because we are willing, or in most cases eager, to take our clothes off for you doesn't make them your immediate property. If you want to sleep in something more comfortable than your formal dress, or prefer not to be nude while walking down the hall to the bathroom, that's just fine. However, you came into my room wearing clothes and you can leave with them. There is no reason to hold my shorts hostage.

After many conversations with friends and a recent clothes-hunting adventure that took weeks to track down a vest and tie from a girl who was suspiciously M.I.A. and absent when I actually picked up my clothes, I realized this has become an epidemic.

I'll be the first to say it - men are simple creatures and when sex is the goal to be achieved we will do what's necessary. There isn't a whole lot we won't do to impress the opposite sex. We buy you drinks, we take you out to dinner, we make mix tapes, we dress a certain way or wear certain cologne. This is all hard work, which usually produces fruitless results. So please, if and when we succeed, let us have our dignity, and don't be insulted when we want to keep our wardrobe.

When I was approached to write this column in the absence of Sarah Niles, I thought about all the dirty things a sex column would afford me the opportunity to say, and there are many. I thought of stereotypes about men that I could address, and about what problems the modern man faces on the virtually non-existent dating scene.

My short response to those fleeting thoughts is this - men and women will never completely understand each other, we simply experience things too differently, and the best we can ever do is compromise. Women, you would never believe the dirty things that come out of men's mouths when you're not around and you're kidding yourself if you think otherwise. Guys, I spend my days working in a small cubicle surrounded by women who are generally ecstatic talking about countless topics that mean absolutely nothing to me and I can't figure out why. We're different - get over it.

I'm not an expert in any way shape or form, but I like to think that I've experienced enough to pass on some knowledge, or at least make a few observations, and I have never brought home a girl's sweatshirt or anything else that smells better than I do. I have, however, gazed in horror at the collections of stolen clothing that belong to some of my female friends. As I am typing this, a friend from Hofstra is calling me and bragging about three stolen pairs of boxer shorts. Apparently we, as different genders, place different values upon stolen paraphernalia.

So, boys and girls, let's put our inherent differences aside and agree on at least one thing - my clothes belong to me, and no matter how hot you look in them - and you do - at the end of the day, if you're not sticking around, do me a favor and wear your own clothes home.

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