The Review

Issue date: 11/13/07 Section: Mosaic

Breaks are common. They are a simple, low-stress way to halt a troubled relationship and waltz into the world of singledom, right? Wrong.

By proposing a break to your partner, you think you're getting it all - a little freedom, room to breathe and the assurance your significant other will still be waiting after you've had the chance to let your hair down. Wrong again.

It may seem that instituting a break situation would save a couple the heartache of addressing the true decline of the relationship and give them a chance to salvage whatever good is left. In reality, breaks do nothing besides encourage jealousy, leave questions unanswered and inevitably hurt and confuse both parties in the long run.

Declaring a break becomes sensitive when constituting the terms upon which the break will be based. How often to talk, when and if it's all right to see each other, the rules about hooking up and what to tell friends and family are all serious and sticky subjects.

Usually, if it's a break that has been decided, and not an actual break-up, then one or both parties probably still have some heavy feelings. If there wasn't true emotion involved, it would have been much easier to suck it up, recognize the differences and take that first step forward with no looking back. By calling it a "break" rather than a "break-up" it feels like your relationship is just taking a time-out or entering a fight-free safe zone.

Truth is, it all sounds good. Often, though, making a break work is much more gruesome than making the troubled relationship itself work. Knowing when to call and how much outside flirting is allowed and keeping yourself from wondering what your loved one is up to are enough to drive someone insane.

A break comes in only one color: gray. There is no black or white answer to any question your over-emotional brain may pose while on a break. Anything you do or say could risk hurting your relationship when it gets back into full gear - which you know it will. It is just a break after all.

Another problem is timing - knowing when the broken aspects of the relationship are fixed, and when it's time to put the pieces back together and release the pause button. One partner may want the duo to resume its canoodling ways sooner, and often, the other member isn't on the same page, because feelings change or just not enough time has passed. Most likely, though, the less-ready partner will give in to spare their love's feelings. After all, a break can't last forever.

Snack break, coffee break, lunch break, commercial break - they all end and things go back to the way they were before the break started. It's the same with relationship breaks too, right? Wrong. Sadly, many couples have a very difficult time rebounding from their time out. The separation can leave one or both members feeling hurt, suspicious or just plain exhausted from all the wondering and effort put into their hiatus.

If it seems your relationship is going awry and you can't think of ending it completely, think twice before you propose a break. While it may be the most comfortable option right now, it's often just a first step in the line of a long, drawn-out ending.

After all, a break is just one word away from a break-up.

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