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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times - mainly it was the worst of times - when the university community realized that it was, in fact, going to be affected by the current state of economic upheaval. Too long, we had hidden our heads in the newly installed Astroturf that used to be sand on the Beach, but no more. A series of sobering letters - fireside chats, if you will - arrived from our esteemed president Patrick Harker, and we knew then that it was time to act.
When Harker told me in his Nov. 21 letter to the university that times were getting tougher and that "Today's economic situation requires us to make hard decisions," I put on my thinking cap. When he promised that "If we make these decisions wisely, with discipline, analyses and an eye toward the future, UD will be more efficient and effective in fulfilling our collective vision," I put a second cap on so I could think harder. And then, after at least a full five minutes of wearing caps and thinking, it hit me - a solution.
We at the university are suffering. With a dramatic revenue reduction projected for the state of Delaware, the university's budget will almost certainly be slashed. We need to start cutting costs wherever possible, and this ought to begin at the bottom - freshmen.
In the grand scheme of things, freshmen are our most expendable resource. They take up space, use supplies, guzzle energy and, in the meantime, what are they actually accomplishing? They've only just begun their studies, meaning they're no one's research assistant, no one's thesis candidate, no one's team captain or group leader - they're expendable. The solution, to me, seems clear - we should eat the freshmen.
My suggestion may have upset you. I understand that. So try thinking of it this way - it's kind of like a "last hired, first fired" situation. Except replace "hired" with "accepted" and "fired" with "eaten."
We have to face it - with increasingly empty wallets, none of us have money to shell out for food. Not only would this give us an exceptional (and free) food source, but the potential benefits are too good to pass up. Let's start with the meals.
Freshmen are young and in good health. Most of them have also recently gained 15 pounds. What that means for the rest of us is nice, hearty, plump meat. At the beginning of Fall Semester 2008 there were 20,500 students enrolled. Subtract roughly 3,800 freshmen from that total, and you have approximately 4.4 freshmen per student. Do you realize how long you could survive off of 4.4 freshmen? A nice chubby arm could easily sustain you until April, but 4.4 whole freshmen could last until the end of the semester. You might even end up with a surplus if they haven't been working out.
Aside from the obvious nutritional benefits, there are so many other positives to explore. For instance, once we've eaten them, the freshmen will no longer require residence halls. Yet their room and board is paid through the end of the year, and do you know what that means for 3,800 of us? Free housing. We have pennies to pinch, here, and that spacious apartment you're renting at University Courtyards isn't paying for itself. Ditch the lease and move back on campus. For free.
Think of the other benefits. Frat parties? Empty. Move on in and finish that keg. First Year Experience courses? Don't need them. Fire those professors! Dining hall lines? Non-existent. Fresh leg of freshman, please!
You may be thinking this plan is extreme. It is. But as President Harker said in his Jan. 8 letter, "If we take actions immediately to maintain a balanced budget, we will be positioned well for the future." This is action. This is immediate. And I can assure you, this will balance our budget. If I'm wrong, you can tie me up and put me away with the lanyards that once hung around little freshmen necks. But I'm confident in this course of action. It's times like these we must ask not what our university can do for us, but what we can do for our university. And I'll tell you what we can do - we can eat the freshmen. If that fails, I'm pretty sure we have a decent-sized sophomore class this year.
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